Bittersweet Endings

May 3, 2012 by · 3 Comments

This week has been kind of tough. On Tuesday, Kenley went 12 hours during the day without nursing. 12 hours. That’s a LONG time. Granted, she was eating baby food and cereal mixed with formula like she would never get another meal.. so it’s a good thing. Right?

I am trying to convince myself of that. I was in quite a bit of pain because of it, and I can tell my supply is diminishing.

I am ready to be done, and if she is doing it herself, then I really see no point in prolonging the inevitable. But it just went SO fast this time. I sort of miss nursing already. (I never thought I would actually say that.) It was pretty much the only time I got to just sit down and spend some one on one time with Kenley. It’s relaxing. It helped get some of my baby weight off. It’s a bond that is just so intense and unbelievable.

And in a flash, she’s growing up.

I am trying really hard not to be sad about it, and for the most part, I am happy. With several weddings we are attending this summer, plus my sister’s wedding festivities, it’s for the better. I did my part for as long as I needed to for her… it’s time to move on.

It’s bittersweet.

Filed Under: breastfeeding, Kenley · Tagged With:

Self Weaning or Not?

April 23, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I remember writing this post as Brayden was self weaning. And this one. And this one. It was a rough time for me as a new mom trying to embrace Brayden’s newfound independence and the loss I was feeling. I had a hard time when Brayden rejected to nurse. A really hard time. I cried for days. But then, pretty soon I was ok with it, he was obviously MORE than fine, and we moved on.

And here I am, back at square one with Kenley. She’s nursing 3-4 times daily, sometimes only 3. She liked to have the cup when she is in her chair eating cereal, but if I try to get her to take it while we are sitting down in the chair, she lunges towards me. At my mom’s the other day, my mom offered to try to put her down for her nap, but after 10 minutes of crying, I caved, nursed Kenley, and she went right to sleep for 3 hours. It’s like she doesn’t know what she wants! Sometimes she eats really well, other times she is distracted and just lays there and looks at me.

I’m not really in a hurry to be done, but my sister’s bachelorette party is at the end of June, overnight in Chicago, and I really, really don’t want to have to either miss it or take Kenley along just because I am nursing. Pumping is not an option- it just never works well for me, and she can’t drink out of a cup or bottle anyways at this point. I am just going to stick with the cup/formula and pray for the best. It just has me frustrated. I wish she would either nurse well or not at all at this point, and I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

*sigh* I almost feel like I never did this at all once, because SURELY I would know what to do? Right? But Brayden was older, more distracted, and ready….maybe Kenley just isn’t there. My mom and sister have assured me that a lot can change in 9 weeks time… I definitely know that to be true! So, I guess we just continue on and see what happens.

But it’s hard.

Filed Under: breastfeeding ·

Before and After

November 11, 2011 by · 4 Comments

Remember me at 37 weeks?

Yeah, look at that belly! I really did NOT think I would have gotten any bigger, but I did just a little bit! Unfortunately, this was my last belly photo.

And after? Here I am 6 days after having Kenley.

Don’t hate me.

Since having Kenley, I have lost 30 pounds. And if you kept up with my pregnancy updates, you know that I only gained 8 pounds while I was pregnant with her. So, yeah. I am attributing most of it to nursing because I am not really watching what I eat at this point. I am just trying to keep my caloric intake high so that I know she is getting enough from me. I am hoping that this weight stays off this time, and I am looking forward to having some time to get back into working out.

Moms, how did you keep the weight off after having a baby?

 

Filed Under: about me, breastfeeding, weight loss ·

looking up

April 9, 2010 by · 2 Comments

Things are starting to look up. I am doing MUCH better with the fact that Brayden is on formula, he is taking well to it, and his 4th tooth poked through finally, making a happy boy and happy momma. I never knew how hard this transition would be, but I am glad to be feeling better about it. It definitely isn’t the end of the world, and exclusively breastfeeding for 8 months is a huge accomplishment! Thanks for all of your kind words and comments. This has been a tough week, but I am beginning to feel like myself again. Brayden’s newfound independence is actually a LOT of fun to watch (even though he thinks he can pull himself up onto the coffee table without hitting his head!) and I know that this is just the beginning of more developmental milestones to celebrate.

On a random note, I scored a sweet deal with AT&T today, getting Brandon and I an early upgrade and free Blackberrys. I am excited to have a smartphone once again, and to be able to have my new work e-mail handy at all times.

This weekend should be a good one. We are going to a fundraiser tonight (Brayden in tow!) and will be working on odds and ends around the house tomorrow. I hope to get some spring cleaning done and spend some time with my boys! What are you up to this weekend?

Filed Under: breastfeeding, just for fun ·

This could be the end (Part 3)

April 9, 2010 by · 2 Comments

Actually, this is the end. On April 6th, Brayden and I said goodbye to breastfeeding and hello to formula. I think I cried most of the day, and honestly, I have no idea why. (Well, I mean besides raging hormones and anxiety.) I mean, I get to wear real bras again. No more stuffing them with pads, I could leave Brayden with someone if I wanted to (not ready to do that yet!), and get my body back. But I already miss it. I miss that sense of “momma I need you” and the closeness that it provides. I miss those big blue eyes looking up at me. I miss that time of relaxation, just me and my boy.

After calling the pediatrician’s office Tuesday, I followed her advice and eliminated one feeding of cereal and decreased the fruits and veggies Brayden was getting during the other 2 feedings. Sure enough, he took very quickly to the formula and managed to get down 10 ounces the first day that I didn’t nurse him. Although he is supposed to be getting 24, he had nursed that morning already and had cereal and fruit, so it was a little slower going than I thought it was going to be. The good news is that the transition is going well so far for him. He slept from 9:30pm-6am after having formula before bed, so that helped my confidence a lot. He does awesome with his sippy cup (I need to get a few more!) and looks like such a big boy.

Things for me are not going so well. The reason I stopped in the first place was because my supply was tanking, and tanking fast. I didn’t have a change in diet or anything of that matter, it was just nature’s way of saying that it was time to move on. Once I sort of got over that part (because I am not quite over it yet!) I started to weigh the good with the bad and felt ok about switching Brayden to formula. Wouldn’t you know it, my boobs kicked it back into high gear the first night and WOW were they sore. I know this is part of the drying up process and everything but I am so sore. I didn’t sleep well at ALL because I couldn’t get comfortable. The quickest relief would be to nurse him, but I know I still don’t have enough to satisfy him, so I am gritting my teeth and bearing it. Apparently, putting cabbage leaves in your bra is supposed to help. I think I will stick with cold compresses and ibuprofen. Lots of ibuprofen. Not to mention the fact that I am an emotional wreck over this entire thing. I have struggled with anxiety since Brayden was born, and this is definitely not helping matters. In my head I know it will be ok, I just know it is going to take a few days for me to get over it.

Filed Under: breastfeeding ·

This could be the end (Part 2)

April 6, 2010 by · 3 Comments

So after 3 days of Brayden refusing formula and barely nursing, I finally caved in and called the doctor’s office to ask a nurse for some advice. I know that at this age Brayden should be getting at least 18-24 ounces of breast milk/formula, and I just knew that he wasn’t getting that much from me. The nurse was very helpful, told me not to worry, and to cut back one feeding of cereal and decrease the amount of fruits/veggies he was getting. He should take to the formula after that. Today, it took me 45 minutes to get him to drink 1 ounce, and then after he played for awhile, he drank 2 more and went down for a nap. So, for the record, it is 3pm and he has had 3 oz of formula and nursed for 10 minutes this morning.

I am really having a hard time with my nursing days coming to an end. A lot harder of a time than I imagined. But, I nursed him as long as I could, and that is a great thing! I am just trying to stay positive and optimistic. As a friend said to me the other day, “this too shall pass.” This, in addition to his second top tooth coming in, has made for a tough couple of days. I am so thankful to be home with him, to be able to comfort him, and make him feel better! I think this has been the hardest transition yet….

*sigh* My little boy is getting too big!

Filed Under: breastfeeding ·

This could be the end

April 5, 2010 by · 2 Comments

I have been thinking about weaning Brayden for awhile now, but I could never actually do it. As I have mentioned before, I had a goal of nursing for 3 months, and then 6 months, and then just day by day. Well, 8 months and almost 2 weeks later, Brayden is really showing me that he is not interested in nursing. Not at all. And as much as I thought I was ready, this is harder than I thought it would be.

For the longest time it was nurse first thing in the morning, then every 2-3 hours, etc. Then it was every 4 hours, which was really nice! Slowly, we moved to 3 times per day, and now it is around 2-3, with 2 of those being first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

At first, I never wanted to nurse him to sleep, but as he is getting older and more active, it was the only way that he would settle completely down to go to sleep. The last 4 nights, he has been waking up at 1am, half awake, screaming. I rock him until he settles down, put him back to bed, and as soon as he hits the mattress, he is wide awake. So, I resort to nursing him until he conks out again. This has been exhausting, though I realize it could be MUCH worse. Not sleeping at night and not being able to catch up during the day is starting to take its toll on me. It is just so bizarre to me that he would be hungry in the middle of the night, when not a week ago, he was still sleeping through the night.

Saturday, he was constipated, only pooping twice in a WHOLE DAY. That is just not normal for him, and I could tell it was causing him pain. I gave him prune juice, cut back on the amount of cereal, and yesterday was better. My mom and I were discussing it because I was starting to feel clueless, and we figured that he just isn’t getting enough at the end of the day to keep him satisfied for the whole night. I decided to nurse him after his bath, and then an hour or so later when he starts to show that he is ready for bed, give him some formula.

Let’s just say that it didn’t work out quite as easily as I thought. After Brayden’s bath last night, he wouldn’t nurse. He just layed in my lap, squirming and crying, so I put him on the floor to play. That lasted about 20 minutes before he was upset again, so I mixed up some formula in his sippy cup. He took about 3 gulps of it and that was it. He wouldn’t drink it and started screaming. At this point, I am also in tears. I started to feel like a failure. He wouldn’t nurse or drink the formula, what was I supposed to do?

Brandon took him for a few minutes to calm him down and I tried nursing him again. This time, he wanted to eat, and after 20 minutes, he was sound asleep. I put him to bed at 8:30 and only heard him cry out once in the night for about 20 seconds and he was sound asleep again. Actually, his is still in bed, which is great considering how the last few days and nights have gone.

This transition is a lot harder than I thought. I feel clueless and unsure of myself as a mother. I am so sad that this could be the end of me nursing but at the same time, I know it is for the best. 8 months is a wonderful start! I just didn’t think the end would come so soon. Poor Brandon, he is trying so hard to understand why I am so sad about it. He’s been a great husband, encouraging me, and telling me that it will all be ok. Brayden is going to be just fine, and so will I. I think it will just take some time.

Filed Under: breastfeeding, the first year, the hubby ·

bittersweet

January 26, 2010 by · 4 Comments

This past Sunday, I only nursed Brayden 3 times. 3. First thing in the morning, again around 1:30pm, and again around 7. He had cereal in between 2 of those feedings and 3oz of formula before his nap, but he just acted full and kept turning away from me. He still managed to sleep all night, so I can’t complain too much, but am I really that close to being done breastfeeding? It used to take up 50% or more of my day, and now, it’s around 10-15%.

My original goal was 3 months, and for me to be doing that at 6 months astounds me. But it’s very bittersweet. My little guy is growing up, and now feeding him is something that he doesn’t rely on me solely for.

I cried when I crawled into bed on Sunday night. I am hoping that he was just having an off day and that this isn’t a signal of the inevitable. As much as I thought I was, I don’t think I am totally ready for him to be done nursing. It’s a time that I cherish now, something that came so naturally to me, a bond that is stronger than anything I have ever known. Sooner or later he has to grow up, but giving this part of it up is a lot harder than I imagined.

Filed Under: Brayden, breastfeeding, the first year ·

a blog about breastfeeding

November 3, 2009 by · 5 Comments

It’s that time, folks. I have to talk about the event that takes up nearly 1/4 of my day- breastfeeding.

I always knew I wanted to “try it and see where it goes”. I wasn’t all that optimistic at first, but surprisingly, Brayden and I did just fine. I got very frustrated when I didn’t have the supply that he was demanding, but within a few days of being home from the hospital, that all changed. I learned that hard way what I could eat (vanilla shakes and chicken patties) and what I could NOT eat (chocolate, pizza, spicy food). We got into a pretty good routine right off the bat, and for that, I am so thankful.

When he started sleeping through the night, I didn’t get engorged at first, it wasn’t ever painful- I thought, I must be the luckiest mother on the face of this earth. Even my mom couldn’t believe how easy and naturally breastfeeding was for me. But then, like all good things, that came to an end…

I became engorged at night (OW!) and yesterday was the epitome of OUCH. Bleeding. You have got to be kidding. I freaked and called my mom, unsure of whether it was still safe to feed Brayden. She assured me that it was and told me to put some ice on it, and it would stop. Better yet, she told me to wet a nursing pad and put it in the freezer, then put it inside my bra. GENIUS! It helped SO much, and I am hoping for a better day today.

I love the bonding aspect of breastfeeding, but the last 3 days have really been a struggle. Brayden will soon start cereal (after his next dr. appt) so I am very anxious to talk to the pediatrician about whether or not to continue. I have been praying about it as well, but I am still very conflicted about what to do. SO in all actuality, breastfeeding and THINKING about it really consumes more like 100% of my time. It’s definitely worth it, and I have such a happy baby boy…so we’ll see where the next days and weeks take us!

Filed Under: breastfeeding, the first year ·