Defeat

March 14, 2012 by · 2 Comments

If I could use one word to sum up my life lately, defeat would be it.

I honestly have never felt more tired, more run down, and more blah. My anxiety has been high lately, and I think the trigger is unfinished house projects. I know Brandon means well, but he usually starts like 50 different things and then mine are usually last on the list. Currently there is still a hole in the wall where my new pantry access will be, drywall dust in the house, and dishes/food in the office and counter space in the kitchen since we are in limbo with organizing the new pantry space. I know he means well, it’s just hard when I am in the space 99% of the time and he isn’t. I am getting antsy.

I don’t want to cook because I have lost counter space and everything is a mess, I am exhausted in dealing with the kids, and I totally overdid Monday and Tuesday. Totally. I have been moved to tears over little things a LOT in the last 24 hours and I am just trying to get a grip on life and myself.

Saturday I will be attending the Hearts at Home conference. After the past 2 days, I wanted to bail so badly, but my mom isn’t letting me. She’s wonderful. I am excited to have the chance to unwind, be with other moms, and jump start my attitude.

In the meantime, I DO have a couple of exciting things in the works, one of which will be revealed early next week! :) So if it’s quiet on the blog in the next few days, it’s because I am getting things ready for my new endeavor!

Filed Under: about me, anxiety ·

Cough Syrup

February 27, 2012 by · 1 Comment

Life’s too short to even care at all

I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control

I used to feel this way. When I hit my lowest point after having Brayden, I felt like this. I hid it, well tried to. And finally after awhile, I couldn’t hide it anymore. 

These fishes in the sea, they’re starting at me

A wet world aches for the beat of a drum, oh whoa…

I felt like people were just talking about me behind my back but never asking me if I was ok. Never addressing what they saw was my change on the outside, caused by such a struggle inside. I wanted validation for what I was feeling on the inside, but no one ever said anything, so I was sure it was something I could just fix. I thought maybe I was just crazy after all since none of my emotions were translating. 

If I could find a way, to see this straight

I’d run away

To some fortune that I should have found by now

Finally, I caved. I caved and discovered the fortune which was my wonderful husband and baby boy- and I began to feel like myself again. 

*Lyrics from the song Cough Syrup by Young the Giant and wonderfully done by Darren Criss on Glee. 

 

Filed Under: about me, anxiety ·

Calming the Frazzled

December 22, 2011 by · 2 Comments

My bff and I were chatting on the phone this morning and our conversation turned to how the holidays have changed now that we have gotten married and have our own families- (she is due in 3 weeks!!). It just gets crazier every year. Arguments and tension over who will be where and when, trying to find the balance between it all, yet still wanting to leave SOME room open for our own traditions for our kids.

At this rate, I almost feel like my small, cute, immediate family will never have our OWN thing. It will always be a rush from one place to the next.

And it makes me sad, I won’t lie. It dampens my spirit a little. I remember as a kid going to church on Christmas Eve and just taking those moments and soaking in the image of Jesus’ birth. The awe and wonder of it all. It was magical to think about.

Now, we have lots of places to go, lots of places to see, and while I enjoy being with family (and feel blessed to have a lot) I just can’t help the feeling of wanting to wake up, stay in my jammies, and enjoy my little family for a whole day. Or a whole morning. Without getting static from others. Holidays and my anxiety generally do not mix well, but I am really trying to just be OK with everything we have going on so that I can enjoy. But it’s tough.

This coming year will bring some big changes to our family (no, not pregnant, not planning to be- let me just get that out of the way!) and I am hoping that simplicity and balance will be found so that my frazzled state of mind doesn’t exist.

Filed Under: anxiety, holidays ·

#reverb- day 5

December 5, 2010 by · 1 Comment

#reverb day 5


Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?


This is still a process. I am trying to let go of a huge weight on my shoulders- anxiety. And it has been exactly one year since this giant weight appeared in my life. I am making progress, but it still hangs on, like a dark shadow that I can see when the light is just right.


Each day is a stepping stone, a new day to sort out those feelings, and to say you know what? I can LET you go. Because I truly feel that in my instance, it is a choice to do something about it. Somedays I don’t make the right choice, but it’s ok. I am learning. Learning to let go. 


And maybe 2011 will finally be the time that I truly let go. 


www.reverb10.com

Filed Under: anxiety, reverb10 ·

Surviving and Living

December 1, 2010 by · 2 Comments

So I survived Thanksgiving without having a nervous breakdown. I guess that is a success, right?

It was a busy 4 days, but we made it through, Brayden did really well considering all of the running around we did, and it really helped that we got through it. I am not so worried about Christmas now. So that’s a good thing, too!

What I hate the most? Is that my anxiety robs me temporarily of the meaning of the season. I was so worked up about Brayden’s schedule that I missed out on being thankful. I didn’t tell anyone what I was thankful for, not even my own husband. And that just isn’t acceptable.

So my goal for Christmas? Is to be submerged in the day. Live it- not stand by it awkwardly waiting for the perfect moment to come around. Because I can be in charge of HOW I live that day, and every day after that.

I think it’s a good place to start.

Filed Under: anxiety ·

That familiar feeling

November 20, 2010 by · 5 Comments

(I apologize in advance for how rambly this might be.)

Lately, my anxiety has been worse than it usually is. My pulse races, my chest tightens, my heart hurts, and I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

Lats year, when talk of the holidays starting to commence, I started to freak out. How was I going to be everywhere with everyone with Brayden? I was still nursing, wanting to start our own family traditions, because we were a family now more than ever. But I felt like I was drowning, I was withdrawing from everyone and everything, and more than ever, I wanted to be alone. But alone with Brandon and Brayden. It felt like I was living in a fog. My anxiety has never affected my ability to care for Brayden, just to care for myself and be around others.

It was a daunting feeling.

And a year later? The talk of where we will spend the holidays has commenced yet again, and I am starting to feel like I did a year ago. Wanting to stay home as much as possible, wanting Brayden to stay on his schedule as much as possible, because I don’t want to not enjoy the days but to soak up every waking minute of the magic of Christmas. I don’t want to miss a SINGLE second of it. And I know that this seems crazy. I should want to be with those that love us and that we love dearly. But I don’t want to make a habit of running around like crazy on the holidays. I want to be warm and cozy at my own house, partaking in our own traditions while still incorporating everything else. And I am really hoping that this year I won’t withdraw, that I will stay in the clear with those around me, and really see and experience the reason for the season.

I am learning to let some things go. Things that won’t matter 1, 5, or even 10 years from now. I am learning to be more flexible with Brayden. I am learning to live through the days with purpose. So that I DON’T miss anything. At least, not because my anxiety is so high that I miss something.

I thank God for Brandon every day. He helps me to see what is right in front of me instead of anticipating the next thing. He has helped so much around the house lately, that we are getting TONS knocked off our to-do list, lifting some of that anxiety. He takes great care of Brayden. He’s amazing. I couldn’t do this without him. And I know that as a family, we will get through this. Because life is for the living. And I truly believe that. It is just convincing my heart and my mind that is taking some work.

Filed Under: anxiety ·

Happy Days Are Here Again

October 13, 2010 by · Leave a Comment

You all know I am a HUGE fan of Glee, and last night’s episode had me in tears at the end.

After this weekend, I realized I needed to put things into perspective. It’s a work in progress. I’m living life day to day, finding the joy and the love in spite of the bad, and really loving every single precious minute. This song fit perfectly.

(And for those of you that watched it on TV, yes this view is flip flopped for some reason- but it’s the music that counts.)

Filed Under: anxiety, music ·

In a Funk

October 9, 2010 by · 3 Comments

I am in a funk.

I have had a terrible attitude for the last 2 days and I simply can’t explain it. I have absolutely no energy and no motivation to do anything other than care for Brayden. I’m grouchy, I don’t want to be around a lot of people, and I KNOW it’s not a good thing. I really can’t explain it, either. I’m not mad at a particular person or situation. It’s not fair to my husband, my family, or my friends. I have so much to look forward to in the coming weeks (hello 10 day vacay!) and I have tons of blessings around me. Today? Today I try to soak it all in and get rid of this funky attitude that is bringing me down.

I am hoping the rest of the weekend is relaxing, restful, and comfortable so that I can get back to the old me on Monday.

Filed Under: anxiety ·

today is a new day

August 30, 2010 by · 3 Comments

My anxiety has reared its ugly head again recently, and this time, I have had enough.

This is not me. This is not the mom, wife, sister, friend, daughter, or person that I want to be.

But, today is a new day. One that I will seize. And in the words of one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicals…

There's only us




There's only this




Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.


No other road                                                                     No other way
No day but today








It IS a new day.
Filed Under: anxiety ·

Anxiety: 6 months later

July 1, 2010 by · 4 Comments

6 months into my struggle with anxiety, I can honestly say that I feel much better than I did at the start of this journey. No longer do thoughts like “What if the house is on fire when I get home?” or “Brandon didn’t answer his phone, he must be in a ditch somewhere.” plague my mind. Occasionally some of those thoughts come creeping in, but I shake them off, knowing that where they are coming from is something I can somewhat control now.

I still get nervous about going places with Brayden, the what-if’s ringing in my head like a church bell. Family get togethers make me nervous as well, just because I want Brayden to stay on schedule as much as possible, but sometimes I feel like no one hears me when I say “it’s time for us to go.” Yes, that includes my husband, but also everyone else. I feel like I am the one screaming and they are all deaf, just looking at me like I am crazy. It is also getting a little easier now that Brayden is becoming slightly more independent. He is on a great schedule and a bit more predictable. I mean, if there is such a thing a a bit of predictability for an almost one year old! I have really learned to just take each day as it comes, try not to sweat the small stuff, and let things go. So what if the dishes need done? If Brayden is upset, there is nothing more important than comforting him. The dishes, laundry, and cleaning will ALWAYS be there. He is only little once. And I am savoring that baby smell on his neck for as long as I can. When he is 16 and smelling like boy and the great outdoors, then I will do the dishes.

I am still taking Zoloft once a day. If I forget to take my Zoloft at night, I can really tell the next day. I am not as easy going or like myself. I get nervous about stupid things, and my anxiety starts to rear it’s ugly head. (Note to self: Don’t skip the Zoloft when you feel like you don’t NEED it anymore.) I see my doctor again on the 13th of July to talk to her about how things have been going. I don’t think I am ready to go off of it just yet, since I can tell when I don’t take it, but I am confident still that this isn’t a forever thing.

Filed Under: anxiety, the first year ·
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