You Just Have to Laugh

March 18, 2013 by · 2 Comments

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that last week, I was having quite a time with that spunky, sassy 17 month old that resides here. If you still aren’t sure who that is, her name starts with a K.

Oh my.

She was fighting naps, bedtime, crying more than she was NOT crying, being overly clingy, not playing at all– and I just could not figure it out. I blamed her 15 month shots, teeth, the time change– to no avail. No fever,  no cough– no other possible warning signs.

To say I was losing it would be an understatement.

IMG_3308

Now, to be fair, I haven’t struggled with anxiety this time around like I did after having Brayden, but after relentless crying for that long, I was at a breaking point. My shoulders, back, and neck ached from holding her and carrying her. My mind hurt from trying to figure her out. And physically, I was not a pretty version of myself.

Finally, I decided to call the dr. office again, just to talk to a nurse, see if I missed anything. They told me to bring her in so they could check for a possible ear infection or strep. And said they could see her in 45 min. I live an hour away. And both kids were napping.

So, naturally, I said we would be there.

(Thankfully, I remembered to put on a bra.)

I got the kids up, dressed, threw a few things in Kenley’s bag, and off we went.

And my car didn’t have enough gas. And then I flung gas all over my nice yoga pants and sweatshirt.

We were 15 minutes late but they still got us in, and could not find anything. Strep test came back negative, so our doctor ordered some blood work just to be safe, so make sure she didn’t have anything that could be making her this way.

I was a mess. A MESS.

My mother in law met me at the hospital and sat with Brayden in the car while I took Kenley in. Of course, I got a tech that couldn’t get it on the first try, and trying to pin Kenley down for THAT long was not an experience I care to repeat anytime soon. I held it together until I got back out to the car, and then proceeded to lose it again.

IS THIS REALLY MY LIFE RIGHT NOW? I just couldn’t believe how this day was turning out.

But, as we left the hospital, I just prayed. I thanked God that it was nothing serious with Kenley, that the blood draw was just a precaution. I prayed for strength. I prayed for my attitude. I prayed that my sweet girl would stop crying.

As I was texting a dear friend, she couldn’t believe everything I was telling her and said “you just have to laugh now!”. And laugh I did. It just all seemed SO ridiculous and HARD at the time, but at the end of the day, that’s just the life of a mom.

Never easy. Never ending. And I was able to find that I was blessed even in those tough moments.

(As is turns out, my mom had a terrible sore throat after all of this, and her strep test came back negative as well. Kenley broke out in a rash like she does at the end of all viruses, so I am assuming that she just had a bug of some sort. Her blood work came back fine.)

 

Filed Under: anxiety, Kenley, Kids, life as a mom, Life with two ·

A recap of the past two weekends…

March 11, 2013 by · 1 Comment

I am beat. Mentally, physically, emotionally. My neck and shoulders ache. My head hurts.

Two weekends ago we all had the stomach flu. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. And this past weekend, Kenley has been not herself. And that’s putting it nicely.

After getting her 15 month vaccinations last Thursday (yes, 2 months late), I knew I was probably in for a long day. I didn’t know it would last 3 days. She has been totally crabby, crying nonstop, freaks when I leave her sight, and clingy doesn’t even accurately describe her. She has been crying when I put her down for naps and at bedtime, and I can’t figure it out. I had the pediatrician look at her Thursday just to be sure she didn’t have an ear infection or anything– and she was perfect, just crabby. Her eye teeth have poked through, but the doctor said they could still be giving her trouble.

I have tried it all. My body hurts from holding and carrying her around all weekend.

I am weary.

Not only is it mentally taxing to listen to her cry with no break, it makes my anxiety rear it’s ugly head. I have been on the verge of a breakdown all weekend, and trying to balance being a good mom and responding to Kenley’s needs.

It’s hard. And hopefully just a phase.

Thankfully, Brandon did a LOT around here over the weekend, and he really did try to help with her. But she only wanted me.

I try to see the silver lining in that she won’t want to be cuddled for long, but when it literally makes my skin crawl, it’s so hard.

 

Filed Under: anxiety, Kenley ·

Simplicity

October 7, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Simplicity.

This word instantly brings images of a beach, sun, and sand to my mind. Not an overflowing sink full of dishes and Thomas the Train engines covering every free surface in the living room.

Living more simply. Living with less. Less clutter. Less stress.  Isn’t that something we ALL strive for?

It’s tough when there is just so much LIFE around you everywhere you turn. To do lists, kid’s needs, chores, laundry, bills, organizing, filing, grocery shopping, and on and on and on. It’s just a LOT. And though I try my best to not worry about the next day’s or next weeks or next YEARS events–sometimes I catch myself thinking about them. But honestly, I don’t feel as if I am dwelling on them. Does that make sense?

This whole episode I have had with hives I have been battling has been a giant warning sign. Warning me not to get too wrapped up in the ways of the world, the upcoming events, and things that I simply have no control over. But to simplify. Live day to day. Plan as best as I can with room for errors and changes.

Live. Live with the best intentions, knowing that the only thing in life you can really count on is change.

Do I wish my body would have NOT freaked out? Um, yes because it was miserable (and I am not 100% over it yet) and just really unnecessary. BUT- it apparently WAS something I needed to re-evaluate. And even though I feel like I am in a good place, maybe my body feels otherwise. But I am more aware, more equipped to face life head on and try really hard not to sweat the small stuff.

How do you slow down, simplify, and re-evaluate? 

Filed Under: about me, anxiety, honesty · Tagged With: simplicity

On Rainbows and Unicorns

September 22, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Sometimes, when I read back through posts, I am shocked at how sunshine-y my life seems on here. And it’s never my intent, but why would I write about the not-so-good stuff going on in life?

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, people. Not at all.

I don’t write a lot about my marriage just because it’s sacred and it’s personal and well, sometimes, it’s just downright HARD and lately, the feeling of upkeep of it has been at the bottom of the barrel.

Personally, I am struggling right now. I have a feeling hormones are to blame, and lately I have been experiencing a funk like I was after Kenley stopped nursing. I am moody, exhausted, fatigued, no ambition, but not sleeping well either. I haven’t been the most fun person to come home to and the end of the day, and I just have no desire really to do anything but care for the kids, eat, and sleep. I changed pills just over a month ago, and I am due to see the doctor soon anyways, so I am kind of just holding out for that. Hoping to get some answers, but also knowing from previous experience, there may not be an easy fix.

I wrote a guest post last week about not worrying and spending that time in the Word and writing that post really, really helped. But still, I worry. I made plans to go to the Influence conference after Brandon told me we would work out details with who would keep the kids later on, and now I feel like I am left alone to make the arrangements- it’s not seeming worth it. I feel like I need to be waving a giant flag around for people to get that I have bigger goals and aspirations in life than being a stay at home mom. But I feel stuck. Stuck in my own voice, stuck in emotions that don’t make sense, and stuck trying to do something “fun” when honestly? I feel like things would be SO much easier if I stayed home. Is it really worth it?

I learned last time that when I start feeling my anxiety come back, it shows first in my inability to make a decision. I get incredibly indecisive when I am anxious. Then I start talking crazy talk like canceling my trip. Which I know won’t happen, because somehow, I will make it work. But when it’s not laid out in black and white, it’s hard for me to make sense of the gray.

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns, friend. But it is my blessed, crazy, and sometimes hard to manage life. I wouldn’t trade it, but oh how I wish there was just a magic spell sometimes for my crazy head. :)

Filed Under: about me, anxiety ·

Not Myself

August 19, 2012 by · 3 Comments

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind 

Would you want me when I’m not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else? 

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose 

Would you want me when I’m not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else? 

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you 

Suppose I said
You’re my saving grace

- John Mayer

Lately, I haven’t been feeling like myself. I am run down, not sleeping well, headaches are more often than not, and I can’t seem to find the silver lining in ANY situation. I’m grouchy, weepy, mopey, sleepy (basically, all the Seven Dwarves minus Happy) and it’s getting old fast. I did call my doctor, and I am hoping a pill switcheroo can help. But until it kicks in, I am hesitant to do much more. I haven’t been taking the Zoloft at all for awhile and honestly, I don’t think that’s the problem. I think it’s hormones. I mean, I am 99% sure it’s hormones. So my plan is to wait it out and see how my body adjusts, then go from there.

But it’s hard to feel this way. It’s hard to be asked every day how you are feeling and when you are honest? People will say well, you need to do something. Trust me, I know this. But I can’t do ALL THE THINGS at once. It’s hard to be a great mom when I want to sleep my headaches away all day long. It’s hard to get excited about going anywhere or doing anything. But I muddle through and try my best to make the best out of these situations. It will be short lived. I won’t feel like this forever.

Filed Under: about me, anxiety ·

Overcoming a Fear

August 15, 2012 by · 2 Comments

For those of you that don’t know, my dad is a pilot. More specifically, this kind of pilot:

An aerial applicator or crop dusting pilot. Going 6 feet above the ground at speeds over 160mph is no easy task, and is definitely dangerous. I have been around airplanes my entire life- flying places just to have breakfast, look at flood damage, or to visit relatives. So it might surprise you that recently I have been feeling terrified of flying, and going to Indiana over the weekend was no exception.

My brother just recently got his private pilot’s license and jumped at the chance to fly us over for a wedding. It was an hour and a half in the plane opposed to over four hours in the car- one way- so I decided to just put my fears aside and just go.

I was nervous. Not because of my brother. Just nervous to fly. After having children, that’s when my fear of flying really hit me. After getting in the air, I started having a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my brother kept his cool and did an excellent job. We had some rough air to contend with, so it was pretty bumpy for the last 30-40 minutes- and even worse when he turned around to head home after dropping us off. I guess it’s good experience for him, but he didn’t have a lot of fun getting back home. I got out and swore I was not going home that way if it was going to be rough. My nerves were shot.

He assured me it would be nicer the following day, so Brandon and I just trusted in that and headed to the wedding. We had a good time (sans kiddos!) but when I got up early the next morning and looked at the radar, I was wondering if we would get home before those scattered storms became a problem. Not even 10 minutes later, my brother texted Brandon telling us he would be there earlier than planned. I started to get nervous, but after Kris reassured me- I just mostly wanted to get home to the kids! So we load up, and it was perfect coming home. Smooth as glass, ENJOYABLE dare I say! I even let the boys do a little crop scouting on the way home!

Kris totally nailed the landing, and I have never been prouder. And maybe, just maybe, he helped me get over my fear of flying.

Filed Under: about me, anxiety, family ·

Weekend Ramblings

August 4, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I will be glad when this weekend is over.

It hasn’t been awful, but it didn’t start out great. Thursday evening I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart was just RACING. I had a terrible nightmare and I couldn’t sleep, took a Benadryl, and then felt like I was in a fog for the entire day. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and my anxiety seems to be high- hormones maybe. I felt like I was on the verge of tears for a couple days just like when K quit nursing. It was bizarre.

The hubs had 2 bachelor parties this weekend (yay weddings!) but after him working crazy hours all week, I will admit, I wish he was home. But he’s having fun, I had a girls day out with my sister and her future sister-in-law- so I really shouldn’t complain! We hit 8 or 9 places in about 6 hours PLUS had lunch. I ended up with 2 pairs of shoes, some Bath and Body works stuff, and a couple of outfits I found on clearance for Kenley. Some retail therapy helped my mood, plus a short break from the kids was nice (thanks to my in laws who kept the kids!) but I sure missed them. And I miss Brandon. I am ready for some normalcy. This busy season has actually been a HUGE blessing, because we weren’t expecting much due to the drought. I am SO thankful for that. But I will be ready for a break in the action.

Lots going on in the next month with my sister’s wedding right around the corner! SO exciting. I can’t wait.

SO bear with me here as I am just kind of posting whenever I feel the need to write. I hope to have Kenley’s 10 month pictures taken tomorrow or Monday with her update :) I love posting them now and referring to them later.

How was YOUR weekend?

Filed Under: about me, anxiety ·

Here we are again.

May 30, 2012 by · 4 Comments

We all know about the “baby blues”, right? Some people don’t really experience it or if they do, it is short lived. Others wage a long war against postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety. After having Brayden, I started experiencing some pretty bad anxiety and after coming clean to Brandon about it after several weeks of not feeling well, went to my OBGYN. She put me on Zoloft and I was on it for 6 months. I went to a few counseling sessions and just learned to just BE. I had Brayden so structured that it was affecting absolutely everything. I also envisioned the worst things, like Brandon being in a car accident if he didn’t answer his phone. Or thinking our house was on fire when I was on my way home.

The hardest part was realizing that I didn’t have control over those feelings but that I DID have control over how I dealt with them. Once I was finally able to grasp that, I felt a lot better, and went off the Zoloft gradually. I hoped that this time, I wouldn’t experience this. I knew what to expect, I knew how to better deal with it. Kenley has been an easier baby, but I have also been more laid back with her schedule. She is still on one, but it allows for some give and take.

But I wasn’t expecting the curveball I got thrown last week.

Hindsight is 20/20 because this weekend, I realized when things started to really go downhill for me last time. It was when I stopped nursing. My hormones took a nosedive, and I didn’t know what to do. This same exact thing happened last Friday. Kenley stopped nursing, and I became one GIANT ball of tears. I would cry at the drop of a hat and it would continue for 10-15 minutes at a time. Over NOTHING. (Ok, well I was sad that she was done nursing but still….) Can we say holy hormones? I then proceeded to feel nauseous most of the weekend, not to mention my whole chest just ached as I start to dry up. My poor husband- I was a mess.

I KNOW I have a lot to be thankful for! 8 months is a great start for her, and I needed her to be done as I am getting my wisdom teeth out AND my sister’s bachelorette party is coming up. I can leave her now if I need to without feeling totally guilty. But the tears, oh they flowed.

All weekend long, they just flowed. I sobbed. She may be our last, I might not get to experience this again. If I would have knows that Thursday was going to be it, I would have savored those precious last moments. But I didn’t know. I couldn’t have known.

I called my doctor Tuesday morning after not sleeping for 3 nights in a row. The physical pain combined with the rolling emotions was too much, and without Brandon at home, I was struggling to function. She put me back on the Zoloft, and I am hoping again it is temporary.

I wish I knew why my body takes a complete nosedive when I quit nursing my babies. But at least this time I was prepared enough to just do what I know will work, even if it means being on an antidepressant for a little while to regulate things.

Today, I am feeling better. I am feeling less sad and more proud of her new independence. And nursing bras? FINALLY a thing of the past!

 

Filed Under: anxiety, Baby #2, breastfeeding ·

And if you just snap your fingers…

May 26, 2012 by · 1 Comment

… you will realize that time is fleeting, and those moments will never come back.

Kenley is done nursing. She hasn’t nursed since Thursday night and has been happy as a lark. While I am happy that it’s over and just in time for tons of weddings, showers, and bachelorette parties this summer, I can’t help but fight back the tears as I write this.

I promised myself I wouldn’t get this sad this time, but I honestly can’t help it. It’s hormones mostly… because I really am thrilled that it wasn’t a HUGE struggle to be done. It’s just hard. That was our time, and it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye. I already miss the look in her eye when we snuggled into the chair, the way she would fall asleep in my arms, and just how intense that bond was those first few weeks.

What I won’t miss? This awful, sore, engorged feeling. The distracted feedings where I was starting to get flustered. The cluster feedings in the beginning when I couldn’t do ANYTHING but nurse the poor girl, you know, who was starving. :) Nursing bras? Looking forward to tossing them.

I am blessed to even say that breastfeeding was a positive experience, because I know it isn’t this way for everyone. But there was something magical about it almost. And that’s the part I will miss the most.

 

Filed Under: about me, anxiety, breastfeeding ·

Defeat

March 14, 2012 by · 2 Comments

If I could use one word to sum up my life lately, defeat would be it.

I honestly have never felt more tired, more run down, and more blah. My anxiety has been high lately, and I think the trigger is unfinished house projects. I know Brandon means well, but he usually starts like 50 different things and then mine are usually last on the list. Currently there is still a hole in the wall where my new pantry access will be, drywall dust in the house, and dishes/food in the office and counter space in the kitchen since we are in limbo with organizing the new pantry space. I know he means well, it’s just hard when I am in the space 99% of the time and he isn’t. I am getting antsy.

I don’t want to cook because I have lost counter space and everything is a mess, I am exhausted in dealing with the kids, and I totally overdid Monday and Tuesday. Totally. I have been moved to tears over little things a LOT in the last 24 hours and I am just trying to get a grip on life and myself.

Saturday I will be attending the Hearts at Home conference. After the past 2 days, I wanted to bail so badly, but my mom isn’t letting me. She’s wonderful. I am excited to have the chance to unwind, be with other moms, and jump start my attitude.

In the meantime, I DO have a couple of exciting things in the works, one of which will be revealed early next week! :) So if it’s quiet on the blog in the next few days, it’s because I am getting things ready for my new endeavor!

Filed Under: about me, anxiety ·
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