Last week on Twitter, I asked for some volunteer guest posters and “met” Jordan. He offered to write about the discussions that he and his wife are having about who will stay home with their kids. I think his perspective is really great- and it might just surprise you!
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My wife and I are about to celebrate our first year of marriage. In this first year, we have done a lot; she started Law School, I finished my Master’s Thesis and landed a job, and we moved twice. One thing that has also kept coming up in our first year is the baby talk. We both want children, but with her in Law School aspiring to be a lawyer (a time intensive job) we have also had the talk of who will watch our children if she decides to work full time.
This is a question that to some men might sound easy; the man works, the woman takes care of the house. While there is nothing wrong for those that wish to do this, I am not traditional in that way. I know my wife has wanted to be a lawyer since high school. She’s bright, intelligent, and has a passion for the work she wants to do. But she is also caring, loving, and nurturing, and a mother being with the children through their first year or so is extremely important. As I said, I am not tethered to traditional gender roles, and I love the thought of being a dad that can stay at home and watch his children grow.
On the other hand, we have also discussed what it would be like to forgo that income, and if that is a decision we can make. To be honest, my wife being a lawyer brings a lot of earning potential, probably more than mine. However, I know how important it is for my wife to be there for our children, and it is a hard decision to make. With the extra income also comes more that we can provide for our children down the road. So it really is a trade off.
The conversations are hard, and they can leave you confused on the right one to make. But my wife and I have also learned a lot through this process of asking ourselves these questions. This has been an important process for us because I want my wife to know that I support her. That while I have been raised to be “the man of the house,” that doesn’t mean that I can’t be flexible. I know that my wife, like many other women, are multi-faceted and have multiple goals. Often times these decisions are forced upon women to make. That’s why people for so long have justified unequal working environments for women. On the other hand, I know she wants to be a mother so badly, and that I shouldn’t put pressure on her to work and take away what she really wants.
The lessons that I have learned in this process is how to be a better man, and a better husband. I have been told my entire life that my job as a man is to take care of my wife, and I do. Although, I have realized that taking care of someone doesn’t mean making tons of money, or buying things that they want. Taking care of her means I make it possible for her to be the best version of herself she wants to be. It’s not about having a large ego, or being obsessed with optimizing my income, but rather it’s about making sure that we have a loving family, and one in which all members have support to become the person they want to be.
Life’s all about lessons, and I must say I rather enjoy this latest one.
Jordan Mendys is a media professional and freelance video producer from North Carolina. He also blogs for DX3.net, and you can follow him on Twitter @JPMendys
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Thanks for sharing this perspective, Jordan!
For those of you that stay home with your kids, was that a tough decision? For those of you who don’t, can you relate to these conversations? Let me just state that no matter WHO stays with your kids, being parents is TOUGH. I just really enjoyed this take on the popular topic.
© 2012, julie. All rights reserved. Love it? Print, email, pin, tweet or share but please don’t use my work without permission.
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I just had a baby almost two months ago and the decision to stay home was both a hard and an easy one.
When I first found out I was pregnant I started saving up every last penny. I knew I wanted to be able to stay home with my child and I didn’t want anything to get in my way. I was able to save up quite a bit. However, as my due date neared I was unsure if I’d be able to do it or not. We didn’t know what the hospital bills were going to look like and we didn’t really keep much of a budget so I was unsure if we could make it on my husbands salary and my savings.
Once we looked into daycare though the decision became easy once again. If I stayed at my job and put our daughter in daycare I’d bring home about $250 a month after paying for daycare and gas. If I had a job I loved or a career I could see myself pursuing this decision may have been harder. However, I worked at a store that got very little foot traffic and was left most days with nothing to do. Eventually my savings will run out and I’m prepared to find a part time job before that happens. I figure if I can work while my husband is home we won’t have to worry about daycare.
I loved how he phrased “make it possible so that she can be the best version of herself” because being in a healthy relationship includes supporting one another’s growth.